The Empty Space In My Head

I never really liked the beach, until today.

2010-10-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

You know that tan line on my ring finger?

That's my constant reminder that you're gone.

I went to the beach today. The one that we go to.

And I spent the day there.

And I finished a book.

When I got up and packed my things, I looked down on my arms and my hands. They were a beautiful shade of olive with just the right hint of tan.

And everything is even.

No trace that a ring ever lived on any finger.

No hint there was ever you.

I picked up my book which lay, still open, on the sand.

I read the last page again, smiled, and closed it.

You Won't Know Me

2008-02-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

It seems like we're so busy hooking up, networking, making connections. Does it even mean anything anymore? I guess I thought that if I didn't take you seriously, I'd avoid being affected by you. If I had everything to do with you but I don't feel anything, somehow, I'll be stronger.

But that's not true. Opening yourself up, even if it means your heart and your soul are crushed, that's what makes you stronger. That's what gives you the power to move on. Put the past behind you. To get out there and get your heart stomped all over again.

So when you say that I don't give a damn, it's because you never asked me to. Because you know that I'd admit that I'm angry. That I'm wounded. That my heart was broken. And I want you to fix it.

Only you can't. Because you don't want to.

To Play the Part of Me and You

2007-11-06T15:43:00.000-08:00

We live in a world in which we dream of utopian visions found in the heavens sitting next to the stars. Stars that create an illusion of permanence. Flaring up, caving in. Supernovas that end in black holes that leave traces of their explosive magnificence hundreds of years after it's over and done with.

Watching this visual fiesta of bursting gases and energy and such, I can pretend that a moment can linger. A moment can last more than it should. I can pretend that things last. When I realise that love can actually go, I can pretend that love last a little longer.

And gods come, and gods go. Mortals flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust.

Yes, we can pretend. For what it's worth. We can pretend we are real. We can put on a great show and create something that scarcely exists. A dream of a ghost of a memory of a tryst that, one suspects, never existed in the first place.

Nothing is Truly Lost

2007-10-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

The details of his life are scattered and the curious may seek them out. They appear in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife-edge. Sometimes we choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all.

He said little and was patient. He left no footprints and cast no shadow. He left slowly with reluctance, leaving the safety of the light for the chill certainties of darkness. And he entered into the pallid shadow of reality. All sense of where he is, who he is and where he's going has been swallowed by the dark. And he walked through the stars and sky, a trinity of dreams beneath the moon.

He sits there realising that his life is over. He is dead. There is no doubt of that. There is nothing in his space but darkness and cold and silence.

It is never only a dream. Here ,less than other places. In a city where the streets are paved with time, one cannot seek love and return unscathed. He seeks and he has been scathed enough in his time.

When he dreams, sometimes he remembers how to fly. Does he really remember how to fly? And forgets when he wakes up? Or was he just dreaming he could fly?

And his dream is a bright place filled with frightened people and fast hard things that hurt and wound. No matter. He swore he would remain by her side forever, and until death parts them. He must walk until once more they are reunited.

What's done cannot be undone. Or very rarely. And definitely not this time. He looks down as he feels the void take over his limping body. That red stuff, that's blood that is. Meant to be on the inside, it is. Bad sign if it's not on the inside.

He gets ready to give in. There's a moment of fear in returning to sleep. A hesitation: there are darkness beyond the curtain of waking, and the shadow-plays clutch at your heart. Too late. It is time for him to walk the abyss. He fell. His face undefeated. His eyes still proud.

Given time, a yarn is spun or what was once. Given time, The tale of a forlorn lover will be told. And given enough time, and the right audience, the darkest but sweetest secrets will spill into curiosities.

Stories have happy endings. If you know where to stop. The real problem with stories, if you keep them going long enough, they always end in loss.

When a world ends, there is always something leftover. A legend perhaps, or a vision, or a hope. And if there's a moral, no one knows what it is, save maybe that we should take our goodbyes whenever we can.

Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot.

This is a work of fiction. All the characters in it, human and otherwise, are imaginary, excepting only certain of the fairy folk, whom it might be unwise to offend by casting doubts on their existence. Or lack thereof
-Neil Gaiman-

Getting Where?

2007-10-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

I stopped counting the hours when the clock struck. Somehow, staring at those hands and hearing the tick tock made the waiting a little more unbearable. The rain continued to pour and the tapping of every drop on the window panes are like rhythmic conversations whispering secrets to the wind.

I wondered where you are. What are you wearing? If you're actually wearing that seafoam green jacket you always have at the back of your car. It's kinda chilly outside. The scent of the autumn air nipping at your nose. You could be thinking, what the hell did you get yourself into? But then again, you know exactly what you're up against and you still chose to get in your car and drive north.

I paced back and forth looking out the glass doors watching the leaves sway to the music of the breeze. The lights go out one by one. People getting ready to turn in. Traffic outside settling down. I sigh as I crash down the couch. I turn the volume up on the TV and click on the remote not really paying any attention to the blur of images flashing on the screen. I look at my phone making sure it's on. Checking to see if there's enough signal strength for your call to go through.

I brushed my hair away from my face and gather it to one side. It has grown so long that it touched my chest. My fingers rest on a titanium ring that hung from a steel ball chain. I close my eyes and imagine the symbol of life that you wear around your neck. That same piece of metal that used to hang from my neck. It was my life, you claimed it, you took it. Now it's yours.

I look up as I heard the gates open. A car drives by, past my door. I stand up and look out once again. Hoping to see a familiar figure come through the floodlights. Nothing. I walk up the stairs, go into the room and slip under the covers. I rest my head on a pillow as a guy on TV in the background talks about genocide. The rain has calmed down. It's still cold, much more out there. Where are you, love?

A gentle touch caress my cheek. I slowly open my eyes and let light in. I felt you get in bed with me and hold me close. I reached for your hand and felt the cold metal from your ring finger. A ring that matched the one on my neck. I closed my eyes again as I felt the warmth of your breath on my nape. You're home.

And She shall Rest in You

2007-10-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

She walks in darkness, moonlight illuminating the sky.
Behind the shadows of life, she watches as you pass by.
She looks out for her kindred.
She takes each hit for her tribe.
The pain covered with a gentle smile are perils of her own sweet sighs.
She's ok as it seems like it.
She's strong as each blow hit.
She never tires.
She never rests.
She never sleeps.
But when dawn breaks and light hits her face,
come tearstained cheeks and bloodshot eyes stare into space.
The twinkle in her eye is not the spark that you perceived.
But the tear kept hidden, waiting to fall and be received.

You come to wonder, what will happen to her?
The warrior child raised for battle.
She hears her army's summon.
But who hears her when she cries?
She fights for freedom but she's never free.
Each wound drains her of the blood she'll shed for peace.
Her helm to protect her fragile form,
you notice it's broken and it can no longer hold it's own
As the war continues the frontlines she mans.
You watch from behind and you see the sword fall from her hand.
And this beast comes at her waiting to strike.
You stand frozen, then again, you moved with swift across the land.
You have no sword but you have a shield
and you raised it high as you embraced her.
And the deafeaning sound of iron colliding fill the air.

As you held her close, you sit and wait for chaos to settle.
You felt her weaken and surrender to your vigor.
You have come to hold her so she can finally rest.
You be the lightning to her thunder, you shall come before her.
You be the strength that fuels her, without you she'll falter.

And a glimmer runs down her cheek
She cries and she closes her eyes
You rock her as you lull her to sleep.

Living is Easy with Eyes Closed

2007-10-03T12:55:00.000-07:00

when the lids go down
and pitch black comes
that speck of sight i see
is you waiting for me

Eye of the Storm

2007-10-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

you are the conscience that soothes the chaos in my head
you are my sanity
you are the glimmer that brightens the darkness in my soul
you are my beacon
you are the rapid heartbeat deep within
you are my ecstacy
you are the breath that escapes my lungs
you are my wind
you are the fiend, my foe, my nemesis
you are my kindred mate
you are the half to make me whole
you are my totality
you are the calm in my storm
you are my silver lining

Rainstorms

2007-09-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

I sat and waited for my love to return.
It was raining, and it was pouring.
And the tears kept hidden while my heart ached and bled.
No one could see the torment inside.
I wore a smile that spelled hope and eyes that sighed the patience of a lover's wish.

I long for the lingering feeling of your skin on mine.
The warmth of your breath one with the chilly storm breeze.

How long has it been?
An eternity of damp memories and puddles of glee?

I watched you.
As the rain fell and soaked through your spirit.
Flowing freely embracing you.
A liquid man in motion.

You beckoned me to come out of the shade.
To join you as you celebrate life with every drop that hit the earth.

I watched you.
From my own abode.

You came to me,
and held my hand.
As I try to sheild off the raging waters that drenched us.

I can't keep my eyes off of you.
And I tried.
I try to close my eyes.
The rain blinds me.
I try to close my eyes.
Even if I do.
I still see you.

So I sit in the rain.
Waiting for my love to return.

No Goodnights

2007-09-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

you looked at me with eyes pale with indifference
you looked through me and saw insignificance
calling out your name in the dead of the night
no one hears,
no one hears.

and a distant howl haunts the moonlight

The silent screaming in my head
drowning out the chaos of sheets in my bed
lips quivering
blood rushing

we retire

we turn,
backs to each others
pooning is for couples
we're just a couple of fools

we retire
we retire

rythmic breathing
chest ascending descending
heartbeats rapidly slowing down

eyes with pale indifference
eyes with pale indifference
i don't want you to see

see me cry

yes i cry when you're not around
i cry when you're homeward bound

i cry
i cry

i cry out your name
no one hears
no one hears

no one's here

show me love
show me light
darkness fall
morning's distant
how can i show you when you're not here?

i close my eyes one last time

i retire
i retire

a distant howl haunts the moonlight
no one hears
i cry
as i retire...

Heard

2007-08-23T12:38:00.001-07:00

I bought new shoes, did I tell you?

Yes, you did.

Oh, OK.

You tell me a lot of things

I do, don't I?

Yeah, you're a talker.

Now, Isn't That Lovely?

2007-07-19T01:35:00.000-07:00

a picture perfect moment
photoshopped to make it look real
enhanced emotions
sharpened datails
airbrushed to cover the pain

a magazine cover
two images made into one
inserting faces
cropped out in places
hiding the unwanted

Quiescence

2007-07-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
--H. L. Mencken

She knew what would happen if he reached out and brushed the hair off her face.

But he didn't do that.

It was a classic Pinter moment. It was impossible to have a moment without all the subtext. Words have always gotten them into so much trouble. Everything between them had to be said in silence because the emotion behind what they really wanted to say is just too overwhelming. Silence is an acquired taste. The more complicated life becomes, the better it is to learn to say nothing.

She knew he didn't think about her the way she thought about him. And she's cool with that. But for a moment there, it was kinda nice to pretend that they actually did care.

Or was it real? Has it come to a point where he had to start second guessing everything he knows? What he though he knows, in contrast to what she dreams of. She dreams, he believes. Can they acheive any of it?

He didn't know what came over him. If it was the soft glow of the incandescent light illuminating the side of her face. Or the soft tapping of rain on the panes.

He reached over and brushed the hair off her face...

Taken

2007-07-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

As my eyes focused on the silhouette that came into view, my heart raced like it would jump out of my chest. Its thunderous beating drowned out all the noise in the background. I've waited a long time for this. Sometimes it seems not enough. And now it's here. My prize. My dream. He's here. The perfect living embodiment of all that I desired but was too scared to claim.

I looked sideways and searched for a safe and subtle escape route. None was in dispense. The closer he came the stronger I was drawn. But the feeling in my legs was rapidly deteriorating. I couldn't move. Yet movement was all around me. Like a surreal scene that many times played in my head. He and I in slow motion. Everything else a blur in speed. I felt my stomach do an overturn and I could just imagine my face turning green. I had to compose myself.

He was beautiful. Like the autumn skylike nearing winter dusk. The vigor of a wild stallion grazing the rich country with the grace and magnificence of a gentle unicorn. His eyes had that fire that burns a hole right through my soul. And the innocence of his face reflected tranquility amidst the chaos of his own mind.

Standing face to face, he carefully raised his hand to my chin and gently touched his lips to my cheek. He looked into my eyes, and with a playful smirk, he leaned in and whispered to my ear.

"Let's get out of here."

Under the Surface

2007-06-26T01:23:00.000-07:00

It's either you are already sexy or you will never be sexy.

Confidence is sexy.
Eyes are sexy.
Passion is sexy.
Someone very kind is sexy.
Sweetness is very sexy.
And if you can throw on top of that maybe
a subtle apologetic pout,
butterfly kisses on the nape
and holding my hand under the table,
that's fine with me.

When you look back while you walk away.
The meaningful looks you throw across the room that only the two of us can understand.
Mouthing the words "I love you."
Your subtle glances when I'm not looking
Watching me sleep.
That's Sexy.

The rapid heartbeats just right before the moment our skin touches.
The eskimo kisses
Kissing on the side of the lips
The moment leading up to the kiss.
That's sexier than actually kissing.
Like hanging by a moment frozen in time

The "almost" intensity.
The coaxing and the seduction.
That's sexy.

"I love you's" encrypted in statements like
"There's nowhere else i'd rather be."
Brushing the hair off my face
Watching a movie in the middle of the afternoon in an empty theatre.
That's Sexy.

It's the big things that never happen
and the little ones that actually do.
That's sexy.

Sentience

2007-06-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

Floodlights illuminate the radiance of emotions.
Eliminates the shadows off the place.
On cue, the percussions start with bass.
The defeaning noise becoming a rhythmic melody.
Setting the beat.
In synchronized movements bodies flow.
The dance of zion commence.
Senses heighten and sanity fails.
Beings merge in passion and space.
The music fades.
And the lights are dimmed.
Listening to the silence and inward screams.
Floating weightlessly.
A moment hung in air.
Gently come back down.
Weak, thirsty, eyes bursting hearts.
Until ye wander and once again drink from life again.

Overdue Spring Cleaning

2007-06-14T00:46:00.000-07:00

She sat in the middle of the junk she layed out in her room. Junk that has been her life for the past nine years. She picked up a worn out baseball and threw it into the box in the corner.

***

One minute she was standing there, the next thing she knew, she was opening her eyes to the glare of the sun. A silhouette of a head blocked the rays. As her eyes focused, she could hear voices around her.

"There she is!"
"Hey, you ok?"
"How many fingers am I holding up?"

The head had a body. And arms to help her up. Just by her right foot lay a barely used glove and not too far from it, a baseball.

***

She held her breath as she put more things into the box. She would pause every now and then and hold on to an object. Hesitate. And toss it in.

The pile grew smaller. And in what seemed like the longest hour, she was able to clear her space. Nine years of her life sitting in a box by her feet. She picked up the box and walked out to the garbage bin and dumped everything in.

She threw everything away. No record kept of those days. All gone. It just came to a point where nothing in that box mattered anymore. She didn't have to hold a place for those things anymore.

She went back into her room and sat there. For a few minutes she just stayed there motionless. Contemplating on what she just did. And then came sadness. The sadness that always come when letting go of something. That sadness that would seem a little bittersweet just soon enough. And she felt the loss. And the urgency of the moment to say goodbye to those things which she once held so dear. Things which hold no more meaning to her.

How do you render something ivaluable after putting so much worth into it?
Why would you put value into something in the first place?
How do you determine what's worth and what's not?
Is there a classification guideline?

And a lot of things, a lot of people are worth it. Right?

No regrets, however. Those things are gone now. And she is still saying goodbye. And in a way, she is saying goodbye to the things that were. Things that will never be again. She felt it would be better if she had nothing tangible to hold on to. She can always keep them in her head. The only place where she can control these things. To change every minute detail as needed and to what she needed them to be. And she will always remember them for what they truly were. And they will be more meaningful that way. She didn't need some object to remind her.

They meant something. They mean something. Otherwise, she wouldn't be sitting there fighting the urge to dig that box out of the dumpster and cherish it for what it's worth.

A Stamp In Time

2007-06-06T00:36:00.000-07:00

I ran into a stranger.
And for a single second,
our gaze met.
And as it happens sometimes,
the moment settled,
and hovered,
and remained
for much more than a moment.
And sound stopped.
And movement stopped
for much more than a moment.
His eyes had fire in them that reflected the passion of his soul.
The essence of his being.
And then,
the moment was gone.
And we kept walking without looking back.
A memory forever remaining in our hearts.
Remembering the affair that never was.
The moment that almost seemed to never happened.

I still smile when I think about you.

2007-04-24T00:04:00.000-07:00

It was freezing but neither of us noticed, at least not I.

Earlier-3:17 PM - We arrived at the house, exhausted from more than eight hours of travel. I could've gotten it in under six hours but just the idea of a roadtrip with her, I could've driven slower & stopped at every gas station. Eight hours, 10 hours, 24 hours, I didn't care that I was tired, and hungry, and had a headache, anything to stretch time.

I got out and walked around the car to let her out. I can't remember the last time I opened a car door for her. Oh yeah, her wedding day. I opened the door was her dress, bright white, princess cut gown, with pearl beadings and an empire waist, well, she couldn't really move that much in that dress. It was too poofy and tight in all the right places. It must've weighed a ton! I didn't just have to open the door for her, I had to pull her out of the car too. I think that dress was suffocationg her. She looked beautiful, despite the fact that she's hiding that scowl of discomfort.

Not a single cloud in the sky, rays of sunshine peeking through the trees, one struck her eye and she squinted. There it is! Just under her left eye. A dimple. She hated it. I never understood why. I always thought it was cute.

What am I doing here? What is she doing here with me? We were alone for the holidays. Well, She wasn't technically. Her husband's away on a trip. I was alone, family's away, girlfriend nonexistent (at the moment), I had nobody. I had only her, that night was mine.

He just looked at me while I told him about it. We were friends, her and I. We didn't have an affair or whatever he wanted to call it. I was in love with her.

He took a puff on his cig and said "yeah, and she's in love with you."

"she's?" She is? Or she was? Whatever.

The truth is, it was a beautiful night. It was freezing but neither of us noticed, at least not I. Somewhere along the park she lost her barrette and her hair was whipping all over the place. The moonlight illuminated the radiance of her face. Without hesitation, I told her I love her. And for a moment, a single miniscule moment, it might have happened. We had a great time.

When we got back to the house it was filled with flowers. They were from her husband. There was a note. She wouldn't let me read it. Something in the note made her smile a little, then suddenly laugh. She just sat there and laughed and laughed. That's when I realized I'd lost her.

We're friends. Close friends. After that, closer, if that's even possible. She is in love with her husband. Never one second, not a single second, that that wasn't the truth.

He looked away from the ongoing traffic down on the curvy roads of the mountain and shifted his gaze at me.

"Were they daisies?" he asked.
"Because he would bring her home daisies sometimes"

Yes, they were daisies.

An Overspill of Crimson

2007-04-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

She watched as a man approaches a woman seated by the window.
Table for two with a view.
He hands the woman a bouquet of the redest roses she's ever seen.

She runs a dialogue in her head

Man: Here (hand the woman the flowers), watch them die.
Woman: Thanks, I'd love to (smiles sweetly)

She turns away.
She'd love to watch flowers die [again] someday...

Advil

2007-04-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

somewhat-sweet-stuff coated brown pill-type thingies
supposed to make me feel better
poppin' them like the candy they resemble

waiting, waiting
an hour passed
i was relieved
or was i?

hallucination
imagination
contemplation
realization

i hit a wall
or the wall hit me
yeah, whatever
i was hit

and it was a sobering one

ooooh candy!

*and she stuffed a handful into her mouth*

Continuum

2007-04-02T13:22:00.000-07:00

And our gaze met.
The earth stopped and time stopped.
And I was frozen.
Three seconds of eternity's worth.

Looking through the window of our souls.
The truth emmiting from your eyes.
Haunting me,
taunting me.
That overwhelming joy we shared.
So we pranced as we travelled the rainbows of forever.
To reach that metaphorical pot of gold.
After all that's been,
Fate is still a tease.
I denied it.
Resistance worthless.
Run if you must.
Hide, you can never.
A handful of sand to throw into the grave.
A pile of dirt to cover up the past.
The perfect irony.

And our gaze met.
The earth stopped
and time stopped.
And I was frozen.
Three seconds of eternity's worth.
Three seconds of surrender.
Never again.
Never again?

The cape had to come off at one point

2007-03-27T01:36:00.000-07:00

Why be capable of feelings if we're not to have them?
Why long for things if they're not meant to be ours?
-Isolde-
-Tristan and Isolde-

They shared a moment. But just because they had that doesn't mean it was real. It could very well be the product of his overactive imagination. He had to dig deeper. He had to know.

He wanted to believe in something, anything. He wanted to feel like he was not entirely void. He had to let her in.

Almost instantly that tiny ball of hope started to spread like bushfire, fast and without mercy all over his exhausted body. He chewed on his lower lips.

He dared take the chance. But this sudden revived hope was somehow dashed and the pain he would have to endure wouldn’t be bearable.

He wasn't asking for anything beyond the moment. He knew it won’t be perfect. First times are far from perfect. But really, it’s not about being perfect is it? It’s about expressing something between two people. Perfect happens sometime later when you are completely comfortable with each other.

The worse part is, he had known all along they'd been a lie, and while he had honestly tried to resist her at first, ultimately he had failed. Failed her, failed himself. And this scratched at his still bleeding heart and he almost broke down then and there.

He wanted nothing more at this point than for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

This is what he gets for believing.

Cutting himself off from his own feelings isn't the answer to healing himself. But this is the road he choses to take. It's easier not to look it when he's trying his damnest not to feel it. He's fine. Disappointed, but fine. The hardest part was how quickly he had to move on.

So after all that's been, he said good night and closed his eyes.

He'll be fine, he had to be.

So Much

2007-03-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly."
- Dream, Neil Gaiman's The Sandman

He's always given up things he so wants for your happiness. Then again, it's not as if they were ever his. How do you give up things that are never yours anyway? And he doesn't even think they wanted him. More often than not, they never do. So go ahead, have your fill.

Until her.

You're the one who said that this is his life and he is allowed to be a little bit selfish sometimes. So, do you love her? He's not exactly sure if he loves her but he's definitely into her. Because he thinks he could, love her. he thinks he does.

He's been looking all his life and she is the best thing that he has found by far. And maybe if he actually did care, he actually took a chance, something good might happen. And for once in his life he might not walk away. He might even want to say, "This is mine. I did this." After all, despite the evident impossibility, he still wants to believe that maybe, just maybe the gods of fate could tweak his destiny.

He cannot take this away from you. He is not asking you to give it to him either. You cannot make it happen for neither of you. You just have to let it on its own.

Struck

2007-03-07T10:46:00.000-08:00

A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.
--H. L. Mencken

He was ok with the attention until it got a tad overwhelming. He can't go anywhere without being trailed. Shaking hands, kissing babies it was getting out of hand.

He closed his eyes for a moment. Envisioned the sunset from his backyard listening closely to the deafening silence. Ahhhh, simpler times.

A shrill voice interrupts his daydreaming. Might as well get used to this and take advantage. If someone was following you around like a puppy, what else can you do but yell "Fetch!"

Sure it's cruel, but the situation left him no choice. He can go back to the way things used to be. He'd like that. He just wanted to be left alone.

And it would've been that easy. Only if the person didn't mean that much to him.

Ahhhh, screw it!

Blind Foresight

2007-03-06T15:14:00.000-08:00

Just because they're meant to be together doesn't mean that they're gonna be together.

She wanted a perfect ending. Now she's learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it. Delicious Ambiguity. Besides, even if she knew that eventually it was gonna end, it didn't mean she couldn't enjoy the ride right?

That's just not good enough.

He will wait a hundred years for her if he knew she's gonna be with him in the end but he cannot go back to not knowing. Her "I don't know" just won't cut it anymore

Checkmate

2007-02-05T13:40:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you how this works.

You don't ask me.
Tell me.
You don't tell me.
Take me.
You don't take me.
Go to me.
You don't go to me.
Be with me.
You don't be with me.
Own me.

This is yours.
All you have to do is claim it.

Crutch

2007-01-31T13:31:00.001-08:00

Where is reality? What are the actions that will define who I am?

I am capable more than it seems...

-More Than It Seems-
-Kutless-

Tomorrow's a new day.

He has been a constant companion for 12 years. He's been there, always there. Like air or something. And now she's decided to let him go.

She can't recall a time when he wasn't there. He was always there. He's just that way. Even when it seems like he wasn't. He was still there. And today she's letting him off the hook.

He was the only constant thing in her life. And somehow, facing the day without him would make her vulnerable. But she has to let herself go.

Today's their last day. She'll never forget that moment. The way he looked exactly the same but only completely different. The hardest part is how you quickly she had to move on.

He'll still be there. As always. She wouldn't, though.

What, now?

2007-01-29T14:58:00.000-08:00

Am I really?

Ask me again on Wednesday.
Maybe then, we could go on Sunday.

Of Fishes and Dreams

2007-01-29T01:17:00.000-08:00

With all the hassle of preparing your pole,
putting on the bait,
casting the line,
waiting...waiting...waiting,
finally, a bite!

Reel in,
carefully...careful...careful.
Or the line might break.

Once caught,
you look over it,
examine it,
decide.
Too young.
Too small.
Not the one you were fishing for...
So you throw it back.
All weak, and battered, and tired.
Not even sure if it could still survive.
But who cares?
At least you put it back.
Poor little fella'.

Why not just dive right in?
And swim with the fishes.
Join them underwater.
Be one with them.

You're in their world now.
You are the catch.
Be free
Belong
Be loved
This is real.
It could be.
You just need to learn how to breathe.

Meant

2007-01-26T10:19:00.001-08:00

Tonight's a beautiful night. Maybe it's the moonlight shining through the leaves, she thought.

He turned to her and said, "Nice! Moonlight's shining through the leaves"
What the?!?

Was it possible? Could there be some kind of cosmic explanation for him?

He says things even before she could think them.
He does things she is just about to.
He walks right in front of her path.

Inexplicable irony. So different to the sense yet so alike down to the last subtle quirk. Yin and Yang. Black and White. Night and Day. Opposites attract.

Opposites attract. They do. With a loud clang they bond and stick and blend and morph. Until they become one. Through a shroud of oblivion, the unseen force draws them together. And resistance is applied but to no avail.

They surrender. Shackled and all. They break free. A blind leap. Complete trust on kismet.

Seen

2007-01-25T13:41:00.001-08:00

Fate has presented her with a mirror and she's looking right at it but she is not seeing herself. Instead, an image completely different from her but mimicing her every move, repeating her every words, echoing the silence of her thoughts.

She has found her parallel destiny on the other side of the looking glass. She sees him so near, yet so far. She presses her hand against the cold pane. He does the same tracing the contours of her hand. Warmth emitting from their touch forming steam around their fingers.

What they would give to break down that barrier.
But for now, they will stay still and marvel.

He is not for her to touch.
And she is not for him to hold.

I belong. I'm sorry you can't

2007-01-19T12:35:00.001-08:00

You chose her

I was here,
you wanted me,
so you asked me.

I gave you the choice,
I let you own me,
I let you consume me.

And you chose her.

Why even ask if you're not gonna take?

Cruel.
Yes, that's the word.
You're sad and cruel.

Receptive Resistance

2007-01-16T12:44:00.000-08:00

Someone very wise once said, "There is no greater courage than the one who kisses first."

I wish I had that courage.
To come close.
To smile.
To give a hug.
To lean in for a kiss.
But I don't.

I stand in the corner and wait.
I wait in vain for a chance.
For an encounter.
For a moment.

I choose to stand witness
and not get too close.
I let things happen around me
without getting involved.

I observe.
I am an audience to life.
I see things and tell stories.
I feel things and write emotions.
Not mine though.

I'd like to stay here
Just be here
And when you finally come to realize me
I will be here
Just here
Knowing you'll have the courage for the both of us
And kiss me first

Kiss me
And I will be the lasting silence
The silence that screams a thousand lovers' glee

Kiss me
As I remain still

Kiss me

Hush now, I'm here.

2007-01-14T04:02:00.001-08:00

You can't just care and care about someone and they don't do anything back.

And yet I did.
I do.
And I don't mind.

For I choose to converse with you in silence.
And I choose to adore you from a distance.
And I choose to hold you in my dreams.
But loving you, I have no control over.

I love you.
Maybe if I'm lucky,
that will go away.

Cornball Mush

2007-01-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

I love it when you say hi
I love it when you say bye
I love that you can't cry
I love that you still try

In a crowd, next to me you stand
And you make me hold your hand
All eyes look forward
But yours subtly look sidewards

You call just to ask your stupid question
I hang up on you in frustration
You call back and laugh at me
I pick up. Baby, you're irresistible, can't you see?

I love your silence
I love your voice
I love your temper
I love your patience
I love your authority
I love your humility
I love your stupidity
I love your maturity
I love your playfulness
I love your discipline
I love...
I love...
I love you, period!

*barf!*

Even so

2007-01-08T23:49:00.000-08:00

"Teach me to fly," the chicken said to the hawk.

"You can't," said the hawk.

"But why? I have wings," the chicken insisted.

"You just can't." And the hawk flew away.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies

2007-01-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

Honey, do I look fat?

No, you're fine.

I look fat!

Then why do even need to ask if you won't hear what I say???

Labo mo men!

Minimal Brain Activity

2007-01-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

"I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish. Be deliriously happy. Or at least leave yourself open to be. Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike.”
-Bill Parish [Anthony Hopkins] Meet Joe Black

Lightning struck.

And it fried her pea-sized brain!

Pity.

for auld lang syne my dear, for auld lang syne...

2007-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

10

He looked around the room for her. Somewhere between the champagne fountain, the salsa dish and the cellery sticks he lost her.

9

A blur of faces passed him. Trying hard to fight the alcohol from taking over his motor functions, he grabbed the railing.

8

Laughter surrounded him. Tinsel, conffetti, glitter and silly string.

7

Lovers embrace, friends touch, he feels.

6

Still searching, longing, missing.

5

And then he found her.

4

And time stopped.

3

And he could feel his whole world spin.

2

He watched her from a distance.

1

In the arms of the man she loves.

Happy new year my love!

I weep. Still

2006-12-11T23:22:00.000-08:00

You know that saying people use? How, a million words couldn't bring you back. I know because I've tried. And neither would a million tears. I know because I've cried

All I feel is numb, and then the deadly stab of cold, hard, uncaring, apathetic reality. And then numbness once more.

I'd apologize for all those things that I'd said to you. Even if it meant swallowing my pride and admitting I was wrong. You meant so much more to me than you knew. More than I knew. And now you mean that much more. But that fact is twice as painful than it ever was before. You were such a strong, amazing person. You always will be. Why did you have to go?

Suspension, Continuity, Gravity & Stagnation

2006-12-06T00:49:00.000-08:00

The world stopped as she watched him plunge.
Then everything started moving again.
In slow motion.
In slow motion, she saw him dive into the crevice.

And everything started moving at normal speed, and faster, and faster.

She tried to grab him.
On the edge trying to pull him up.
His arm on one hand.
His collar on the other.
Almost, but he slipped.

Faster and faster he was spiralling down the gorge.
Smaller and smaller.
A tiny dot.
Then nothing.
She could still hear his faint cry.
Then nothing.

She looks at her hands.
Dirt, blood and skin stuck underneath her fingernails.
Still holding onto a piece of fabric.
Clutching it.
Like a small piece of hope.

She will wait for his return.

Strings

2006-11-13T17:02:00.000-08:00

I would like to be the air
That inhabits you for a moment only.
I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.
-Margaret Atwood

Who says everyone needs to be in a relationship? Some people are perfectly content with what they have that they do not need to put a label on it. Besides, it only starts to get problematic when you start to care, when you let emotions get in the way.

They were not friends, they don't talk that much, they weren't really anything at all. He was just tired of sitting around waiting for someone to hold his hand.

The alcohol had temporarily robbed her of coherence. It was over as soon as it happened. He was honestly lacking words, he had been caught, and now he didn't know what to say. Where was he even to begin. Should he? How in the hell was he supposed to start talking about this? Why couldn't he move? Why couldn't she take her eyes off him? He saw someone, just standing there and looking at him. And though they didn't know each other too well, there was something there. It wasn't love. And he felt bad because he had to send that person away. He was done. It was over. And was the hug so bad that it made him realize that he just didn't like her enough? As he looked at that person's eyes, he realized they didn't need words. All kinds of things are best left unsaid anyway.

What was he supposed to say?

"I don't know. I know that's not a good answer, but it's honest."

And damn it, that sure felt good. Honesty. Impulse. Simple touches, smiles, hugs, physical contact. His skin against hers. The things he was starving for.

Relationships, more often than not, don't end the way they do in TV or the movies. Will they? Won't they? Then, they finally do! And they lived happily ever after. The End. Those great big romantic moments, they're great when they happen but they're not real.

This is not a movie moment. There is no happy ending to it. The only ending to it would be the choice. Either he takes a step forward or turn around and walk away.

He misses you, us. And so she writes.

2006-11-07T22:48:00.000-08:00

He asked me once,

"What happened to us?"

I just sat there and said,

"Who? Us? We're OK. Are we not?"

He meant us. You, me, and him.

We used to be good friends, you, me, and him. There was a time we were inseperable.

You, me, and him.

Then it was you and me, and him.

And we were still good friends. But you and me, we were better friends.

You & me, and him.

That, however, was only momentary.

A chapter told as it ended too soon.

'Til there was only you, and me and him.

'Til there was only me and him.

And now he misses you.

With us gone.

Soon, no one left but

You

Me

Him

Non Sequitir

2006-10-29T22:12:00.000-08:00

It doesn't make sense being perfectly happy with the wrong person and be miserable with the right one.

Already he was rehearsing his exit lines.

"I'm not what you need, you deserve better "

It made him feel lightheaded, precariously balanced. As if he were standing on a cliff edge above a rock filled gorge and it would be dangerous for him to look down. Still, he can't resist to take a peek.

Sometimes, one has the ability to make dreams come true. It doesn't happen too often, but when one can, might as well should right? Should. Although sometimes, one opts not to.

He was her dream. She might never admit it but he knew it. And it breaks his heart knowing that a dream is all he could be for her.

Once in a while you have to throw the rules out of the window and trust that everything's gonna be OK. And you either take a step forward. Or turn around and walk away.

So, with his head down, eyes closed, in the perfect irony of misery and peace, he goes to do the most cruel thing imaginable. He breaks her still broken heart into smaller pieces.

When It Fades Into Nothing

2006-08-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

FACT: A supernova's explosion travels billions of light years to reach the earth. What we're seeing, that extra bright twinkling star right there, that incredible burst of gases and energy and such, actually happened about 600 years ago.

An illusion or more like remnants of what's no longer there.

Pareho pa rin ang kislap sa mga mata mo.
May kaunting pagbabago nga lang.
May bahid ng kalungkutan na pinagtatakpan ng panandaliang tuwa
na dulot ng ating muling pagkikita.
Ang lamyos ng iyong boses sa tuwing sasambitin mo ang pangalan ko,
pareho pa rin ang tono.
Kahit na may katigasan na ito,
naroon pa rin ang lambing.
Ang hawak mo sa aking kamay,
ang iyong haplos,
ang mga maingat mong daliring dahan dahang gumagapang sa aking mukha,
siya pa ring nagbibigay ng kakaibang kabog sa aking dibdib.

Sa pagsalubong ng ating titig ang siyang gumising sa katotohanan.
Kung ano man ang naroon noon,
nandyan pa rin ngayon.
Hindi man kita lahat,
andyan lang.
Tignan mo lang ng mabuti.
'Kita mo ba?
'Kita ko eh.

O baka namalikmata lang ako.

Funny, isn't it? That blackholes are the invisible offspring of supernovas.
When a large star has burnt all its fuel it explodes into a supernova.
A bright, massive, magnificent display of light.
A visual fiesta twinkling in the velvet sky just before it goes into nothingness.

I'm still seeing the supenova though the blackhole sucked you in eons ago.

It won't be long now.

Stationary Solace

2006-08-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

If you think you charmed me in that talented, neurotic, overlymoussed hair sort o' way, think again.

How can someone be so offensive and be so charming all at the same time?

Little by little, the wall I've built for so long crumbled before my eyes.
Why?
Because of that wrecking ball you call concern was thrown and caught me offguard.

As I watched you walk across the room, I tried to run to the opposite direction. But it seems like my feet were planted on the ground.

Your arms embraced my whole being. I had to hold on to you to keep myself from surrendering to the weak feeling in my knees. Tears welled up in my eyes but they remained unwept. I clung to you as I totally let go of myself.

You finally got to me.

Retry

2006-07-20T00:03:00.000-07:00

He thought of her today. Out of nowhere, somewhere in between emails and browsing and humming Satisfaction by the Stones, her faced popped up in his head.

It's been awhile since that happened. 19 months? Give or take.

He wondered what she was doing. Was she still in the city? Did she cut her hair? She probably lost weight.

He stopped for a moment, picked up the phone, hesitated, then put it back down.

What would he say if he called her?

"Hi. It's me."

Yeah, he'll start with that.

What Now?

2006-07-01T02:08:00.000-07:00

p**l* r < **a*lo*****o@*****.com> wrote:

I'll admit the past weeks have been confusing (for the both of us I'm sure). 'Di ko nga maintindihan eh. You're right, we're great together when we're apart pero within 5 nautical miles of each other it's a sick mess. I'm sorry I got upset with what you said last time. I'm sorry I screamed at you, I didn't mean to raise my voice. But I was upset and I was stupid. And you know I don't think when I'm both.

Yun lang, I just wanted to apologize. I could understand why you never want to speak to me again, it took us what? 6/7 years of non communication before we were able to settle things. Before we found (or searched for) each other again. How long will it take this time? And will we even get another chance?

I'm gonna tell you something, I hope you don't think it's weird or whatever. I've kinda known you were in the US. I was in the US when you came. I was in LA, you settled in AZ. I wanted to come see you but I never got around to it. When I decided to come, I heard from them that he came to be with you. So ano naman gagawin ko diba? I know he always thought of me as a threat, me, that other guy, and I know even one of our friends. I didn't want to cause any problems. As you already know, I've told you, I've been all around. But though I've been all over, I never stopped thinking of you, wondering about you. 'Til about last year when they told me you were in CA. I had your e-mail address, I just never used it. This may sound creepy, but the only way I keep up with your life is through your writings. Yes I've managed to read them. From the very beginning. Each story you've told, each word you've scribbled. I know not all of it is real but I can definitely tell which is YOU. Now i'm starting to sound like an obesessed stalker. But, yeah, i've been thinking about you. Especially lately.

Now that that's out, now what? Damn, I couldn't even say it to your face. I couldn't even show you my face. We were in the same city, within 5 miles of each other, but it felt like light years. OK. So there. I didn't ask before. I didn't have the guts. Now I'm asking

Now what?

Should we or should we not?

All you have to do is say the word and I'll come rushing back to CA. Tell me to stay away, and I'll never bother you again.

I'll talk to you tonight

take care

J*D < *i*.*.d*@*****.com> wrote:

What now? I don't know. I'm sorry that's all I can say right now, that's the best I can come up with. But at least it's honest right?

I want to say that I want to be with you but I just can't. 'Cause I really want to be with you but I feel I shouldn't. Too much complications. There's a lot to consider. I am still figuring out what I want with my life. That's the reason he and I broke up, and even now I am still confused. Do I really want to add more confusion by entering an unstable relationship? Yes unstable, you're unstable. You know I love[d] you and I know you love[d] me too but it seems like we can't measure up to each other's expectations. That's why you have to run away from me. Everytime we get close to being together, you get scared and you bolt. How can I be sure that this time you won't leave? Give me something here. Something to hold onto. Anything.

If you want, go ahead, the ball's in your court, make your shot. Pursue me. Woo me. Constant communication, regularity. That's what I'm asking. When I feel secure in you, then I can give you the answer to "Now what?"

How's that?

From: p**l* r < **a*lo*****o@*****.com>
Date: Jun 29, 2006 11:24 PM
Subject: Re: what now?
To: J*D < *i*.*.d*@*****.com>

Sounds good to me. Though I think you already know I can't promise you anything. You know I'm not the "future" type of guy. I live by the moment. And at this moment, this is what I'm feeling. I'm someone who believes in going after what he wants, and damn the consequences. When you've been dead a hundred years, you have only just begun to be dead. We're living on borrowed time. And if you don't put your heart out there on the line, then you're never really living at all. If I loved someone, I'd tell 'em. And if I wanted someone, then I would let her know, straight up. I WANT YOU.

Tomorrow I'm gonna say all the right things, do the right things and be the good guy, but today I'm not gonna pretend everything's ok. I'm hurting because I'm longing. I'm longing for you. Although we can't seem to find common ground with what we want. You once said that you are always the next best thing, and that is enough for you. I don't think so, you are the BEST thing but I cannot even measure up to be your next best thing. I'm on the bottom of the scum chain. I'd like to climb higher though, but you're gonna have to give me a hand.

Tell me what you think.

If you just listened to something else...

2006-06-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

There was no excuse for what he did.
But is it so bad to long for chance?
To say "the hell with it," and just plunge right into uncertainty.
She might have hated him for the trick
though she can't deny the single second that she somehow wanted it too.

But then again,

they were only kidding themselves.

There was nothing there but the illusion
of a past that never happened
a present ignored
and a future they can't hold onto.

I'm With Stupid!

2006-06-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

What the hell??!!??

Do I have a Fuckin' KICK ME! sign stuck on my back??

Yeah, I just needed to get that off my chest.

Converse or Reverse

2006-06-22T01:01:00.000-07:00

It's all about the he said, she said, what-the-fuck-does-that-have-to-do-with-anything vocal fencing.

He sat across from her on the breakfast table. Over frosted wheaties, milk, OJ and toast, he skimmed through the World section.

"That sheriff was convicted yesterday, I saw it on the nightly news"

"Oh, yeah?"

"And they named two new moons on Pluto. Nix and Hydra"

"Yeah, I read that. I'm going to the dry cleaners later, do you want me to bring your suit in?"

"Please. We have invites to that party. Do you want to confirm or shall I?"

"I'll do it. Pass the milk"

"Oh look, the neighbor's cat is in our yard again"

"I need new tires for my car"

"I don't like peas"

He reaches for the sports section this time. And he wonders, when did their conversations become prosaic? Well, on the other hand, at least they still talk. And talk is good. Cheap, but it's okay, really.

Cheap Thrills

2006-06-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

$4 grocery bought sushi

plus

$6 bottle of merlot

plus

Indie what-the-fuck-is-this? rented movie

equals

Me

and

You

on the couch

Quality time

On a worknight...

In our own places...

And who said we had to be together to be together??

Good night.

Let's do it again sometime.

Your pick of the movie then.

Flame to the Moth

2006-06-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

Encounters under the most unlikely situations.

A common ground.

Your point of contact.

Without much choice, you found yourself face to face with him whom you've run away from most of your life. You present your facade and put on your bravest face. But he sees right through your walls.

He who embodies everything you've always longed for. He has a way of speaking to you with the passion of a thousand lovers' hearts. As you lay on the grass, him beside you whispering into your ear promises of forever, ricordo di sinceré amore. You turn and look into his eyes and see his soul silently screaming his zeal.

And you believed. Without a single thread of doubt, you let him into you. To feel, to explore. And he conquered.

Somehow, you feel you belong.

He owns you now.

Absence makes the heart grow weirder

2006-06-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not somebody you can rely on all the time, I can't always turn your tears into a smile. But even if I can't be the greatest person at all, I still try to be the greatest friend I can be.
-Quoted from a text message

She looked around for him, but he was nowhere to be found. Yet she kept hearing this voice, "I'm just here for you."

Oh yeah? Where?

She was tired of his bullshit. All he was good for was doubtful sincerity.

Or maybe she was just expecting too much of him.

She was, because she looked up to him. She believed in him. She somehow knew there was more to him than that. Or at least she thought.

Too much has been said, too soon.

There's no turning back now.

As she looked back on their beginnings, she looked ahead to a blurry end. She shut her eyes as she took one last breath and plunged into the chaos of her own mind.

Dug me a hole, dare I climb out?

2006-05-18T00:24:00.000-07:00

"Love is not the drama; it's the comfort. When I realise that for myself,
I will be an adult."
--Quoted from a friend who quoted from a chat friend

They were friends. That's all there is to it. They may not have spent a lot of time together but they talk. And talking is a big deal.

They say talk is cheap. But talk can also be the most valuable connection you have with someone. When you spend your time just talking, it heightens the trust. Although, at the same time, lowers the sheild. You bare your soul to the other person as you give him the edge. He has you. He now holds you in his hands. Your life, your thoughts, your being.

They talked. And she said just enough. Til she said too much. Too soon. And she knew that on the instant she opened her mouth. And she couldn't take it back. Well, she tried but it only made it worse.

She wanted to crawl back into her shell and never see daylight again. But he was there, just there, doing nothing. He was just there.

And she loved it when he was there.

Yeah, ok, so maybe he was there. But something's changed.

And she realized that he could be right in front of her and be a million miles away.

She looked at him. He looked back. But he didn't look at her. He looked through her. And the apathy she's seen in his eyes was a sobering hit.

The drama disguised itself as comfort.

Maybe she were an adult. Maybe.

Then again, she could be wrong.

Tonight, they'll talk, yet again.

But that's all there is to it. Just talk.

The song remains the same

2006-05-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Did you ever like somebody
but the timing was off?
You feel things
you should not be feeling

People can be attracted to other people
That's human nature
It's what they choose to do about it,
that's the thing

And she was finding in him that elusive measure of peace that she's been thirsting for. The few moments they shared, he's brought her bliss.

She herself was elusive everlong. She was wanting this but she felt it wasn't right. The timing was off. She was convinced that there was nothing there. And so with a heavy heart, she shrugged and walked away.

Some things just never change.

Look at the stars.

In a hundred years, no one will even know who we are.
But they'll know the same stars.

Rainstorms

2006-04-24T23:05:00.001-07:00

I've seen the sunset
It's nothing new
It happens everyday
What of it?
Now I'm seeing it with you

Rainstorms

2006-04-24T23:05:00.000-07:00

I've seen the sunset
It's nothing new
It happens everyday
What of it?
Now I'm seeing it with you

Visions of snow-capped mountains

2006-04-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

I loved him and it hurt,
and it hurt, and it hurt even more.
And I loved him still, and it hurt no more.
And the hurt, when it went away, was taken over
by joy,
and beauty,
and glee,
and magnificence.
And he saw the joy,
and beauty,
and all.
And he was amazed.
And I love him still, even more.
And he doesn't even know.
I love him still, even though.

Hidden Grandeur

2006-03-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
As the tears roll down.
’cause it’s the world I know.
It’s the world I know.
-The World I Know-
-Collective Soul-

His eyes lingered on the beauty that is before him. The only love he ever knew. This is his destiny.

This day still

2006-03-30T10:14:00.000-08:00

She missed him. Today, of all days. The day the world was blessed. 33 years ago today.

Subtlety

2006-03-13T23:09:00.000-08:00

I'll keep it simple for obvious reasons.
There's always this urge for uncalled for confrontation.
I could come out and spill my guts
though I'd hate for you to have to clean it up.
It never gets easier.
With time, still, it never gets easier.
Holding on to the idea.
Holding on to my faith.
You'll get it someday.
But for now, I'll keep it simple for obvious reasons.

It's a nonsensical debate

2006-02-24T22:17:00.000-08:00

Now presented with options, he went with his original choice.
It's obviously not the right one. Could be, but he's not entirely sure. He wants it to be though.
He hesitates.
There are pros and cons to it.
The more he looks into it, the more cons come up. Soon the pros are outweighed by the cons.
Conflicts left unresolved pile up.
He sticks with it still. Sucks it up.
The solution is right in front of his face but he looks away.
Stupid stubborn ass!
This makes more sense!
He chooses to be foolish.
Not everything has to make sense anyway.

Space

2006-02-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

He wanted to be two steps behind her wherever she went. But something always held him back. From two steps to 8 paces to 17 feet to 9 meters. They grew farther and farther apart. And eventually he found his way to her. And all she could say was, "What took you so long?"

Least of the Best

2006-02-10T04:17:00.000-08:00

The best things in life are impossible, expensive or taken, Take what you can, when you can and turn it into your personal best. If you can't, well, TOUGH LUCK!

Life sucks...deal with it!

Is it so?

2006-02-02T23:31:00.000-08:00

Suppose she were to say it,
would it really matter?
What would he say back?
Would he care?

Supposedly.

But maybe, not really.

They might just.

But then again, why?

She would walk up to him but not speak.
He would lean as if to say something, but won't.

Suppose they did.

Would it mean anything?
It would change everything.
There might be something.
For some, what'll be left is nothing.

And that would be their one thing...

Nearing the End

2006-02-01T23:43:00.000-08:00

It's her birthday today. Might as well be her last. Not like it mattered. Nothing mattered at this point.

Ours.

2005-11-16T00:54:00.000-08:00

My heart laughed and cried and ached and pounded at the sheer beauty of the moment.

And there I was, standing hand in hand with my friend, my one, my prize. The unrequited nightmare. Chance brought us together. Serendipity was on our side.

It was a beautiful night, a walk on the harbor was just called for. Her hair was all over the place. She tried to tame it but to no avail so I spun her around and had her face the pier, the wind blowing against our faces. That seemed to do the trick with her hair issues. We stood there for a moment, silent, not moving, just gazing at the glimmering reflection of the moon on the ocean's surface. I held her hand as the waves crashed as loud as the beating of my heart.

For 2 brief seconds he was mine. That moment was ours. A brief moment he was mine. For forever's worth, I am his...

Drawn

2005-08-25T02:11:00.000-07:00

It doesn't mean that I looked at you I'm attracted to you. I just happen to glance your way and notice the ray of sunlight peeking through the pine needles hit your eye. You squint, and a slit, a dimple appears just below your left eye. You shield the glare with your hand. Your right hand that also carefully tucked in a stray strand of hair behind your left ear. You casually run your fingers through your hair. And there it is again, that stray strand of hair. You briefly returned my gaze. Smiled your lopsided grin and looked away. And I just stood there for a moment then shortly walked away.

Allow

2005-08-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

You can love someone without getting married or french kissing. You can love people you don't know, people you do know, and people you kinda know.

The few moments they've shared, the short time that they were together, somehow, he's come to mean so much to her. But of course she'll never admit to that.

And so, she did what she did best. She walked away...

And I let you go. Just like that.

2005-08-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

I recently found myself caught in a maelstrom of feelings. Fear, nervousness, depletion and about 20 other emotions that I can't even begin to describe are coursing through me.

I watched as the endless possibilities pass me by. I just stood there, not moving, afraid to even speak.

I watched as a possible love interest come by. And for a moment, I welcomed the thought. But it was just me who thought. It was all me. It could have been a possibility. But how can I be sure of it? Always the skeptic. I doubted him and more so, I doubted myself. Was it real? Dared he spoke of words music to my ears. And I dismissed those words. Nothing is real. Not words, not moments. And so I stood there, not moving, afraid to even speak.

I watched him drift away. I watched as walls were built between us. I stood there not moving.

And I am caught in a maelstrom of emotions. I have let what could possibly be the best thing in my life slip through my fingers. Fear is gone. Confidence took over. Depletion replaced by what I almost gained. Almost. Not quite. Too late now. Newfound glory useless. For the one whom I let get away.

To Whom It May Confuse;

2005-07-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

Doubtful sincerity and a shortlived forever.....

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???

Thanks anyway...

It's just a sick cycle carousel

And it's easy not to look it when you're trying the damndest not to feel it.

Thanks anyway....

It was a steady numb ride

And I feel nothing, which is ideal.

Thanks anyway...

For now.

2005-07-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

I could die right now and it wouldn't even make a difference. You wouldn't even know. And even if you do find out, I'm sure you wouldn't even care. Yes, you would stop and think of me for a moment. But that moment won't be long. Because moments never last. But I'm glad for that moment. Thank you. I could ask for one more but I won't. Because it would just be harder for me to let go when the time comes to say goodbye. Yet again.

Parted

2005-07-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

You didn't let me explain why I didn't miss you. See, in my mind, you never really left. I just close my eyes, and you're there.....

Giorno Piovoso

2005-07-22T00:28:00.000-07:00

Voice weak, she told him she was tired. Her eyes reflected the overwhelming amount of agony she's had to endure. Her chest felt like it was about to explode. She gasped desperately for air as she held on to him tighter. For a moment there, she thought he had gone. But it was just her overworked imagination playing tricks on her.

She recalled the shortlived bliss she found in his solace. The few moments of togetherness she had with him. And then she would be reminded why she loved him. He was the perfect living embodiment of what every lost soul like her searched for. She found in him a small measure of peace few ever find.

She had to let go. She was tired. She was disappearing. There's less and less of her and pretty soon, there's not gonna be anything left.

Droplets of tears mixed with the rain rolled down the side of his face as the fell one by one onto the ground. He doesn't have a heart anymore. He too, lost his life.

fool me once...every time.

2005-06-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Once again I let myself believe that there might be the slightest chance that I could ever find bliss in your company. I guess it's my fault for dropping my guards. I could've just stayed away and not fall prey to your childish games. But I thought I knew you. I thought I could trust you. Maybe I did know you. The person you used to be. You are not that person anymore. Or maybe you've always been that but I didn't notice because you are a pretentious jerk putting up a facade, lurking in your prey, gaining their trust. And once you feel like you've had enough, you bail. You crawl back into your shell.

You disappoint me. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to be with you. But there is definitely something wrong with you not wanting me to be with you. You're disgusting! And I thought you were up there. Turns out you're lower than most of them. I'm beginning to hate myself for ever meeting up with you again. And when I hate myself, it hurts too much, more than you can even understand.

Stained Velvet

2005-06-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

I stare into her petals, stained black with heartache yet sturdy rose, ever strong, never wilting under the pain. For her roots are deep and the blood in her veins strong. Suffering through tears of rage, the tormenting drought of despair, waiting for a moment of crowning glory. Yearning for the sun's warm breath, she rises again. Though battered and broken, she strives on. Her thirst for enlightenment never fails to astound me, as if for the first time every time. Like the first time our souls touched, her gazed wandered upon mine, curiousity in her eyes, draining me of my essence. Spirits entwined as passion consumes my whole being. The irony of her innocence indict angst in such a precious delicate psyche. She is my woman, my curse, my salvation. Together we will venture into this eternal bliss of meaningless existence searching for what is lost and gaining what is rightfully ours. And finally pulling the stopper on time that our tortured sould will be finally put to rest.

Riunire....

2005-06-02T12:54:00.000-07:00

He shivered slightly as the chilly winter breeze grazed his face. It was a nice day for a funeral. Snow covered the grassy hills. And the morning dew gave the shrubs a certain sparkle.

Not too long ago he was standing in that same spot. Counting leaves as they fall one by one to the ground. Once green foliage turned into a fiery amber shade over the course of the season.

Like the vibrance of the sun's amorous glare, her life was. Come dusk, the glow of that magnificent ball of fire begin to morph into a lovely shadow of what once was. Then it bids farewell over the horizon.

A fog of desolation hovered above him. He watched the small crowd gathered around a casket a few yards from where he was standing hidden behind trees. Their faces in life, melting into their faces in untimely death by his hands.

Flashes of dreams, bits and pieces of past memories jostled painfully with each other, trying frantically to get out of his chaotic mind. He closed his eyes tighter and forced himself to take deeper breaths urging his body to calm down. He bit his lips hard so that pain could overcome the much more excruciating anguish that was hidden deep within. The pain he could cope with but not the one which was threatening to erupt at any moment.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to scream because he didn't know what else to do. He wanted to scream until it seals the hole that was his heart.

Tears begin to sear down his paralyzed face. Pouring from each emotionless eye down carved red paths, burning his flesh. He thinks it must be his tortured soul fleeing his ashen body. Drop by drop onto the soggy lawn. Dripping. Drowning out the cries of the beasts. His soul in a puddle of mud.

The fog drifted over him, the haze pulling him along to drift. Reality, dreams, everything was faded and unreal. He closed his eyes as his body surrendered. He felt the warm touch of her hand on him. It was over. He started to let the glow of her love wrap itself around his haggard body.

Life Sucks! Deal with it!!!

2005-05-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

No ear can hear nor tongue can tell the tortures of the inward hell!
-Lord Byron-

She just wanted to feel like she's still an okay person. Everyone tells her that she is, but it doesn't mean anything. She just looks at them and think, what the fuck do they know? Everything is crashing down around her and she doesn't know how to make it stop.

As she turned away from the one thing she thought is the best thing in her life, she recalled the apathy she'd seen in his eyes. The few times she had really looked at him closely. The realization was a sobering one. She did what she had to do.

It was never easy being the rational person that she is. She was sick of thinking and analysing. For once, she just wanted to feel. And feeling is what brought her here today.

You can force someone to be responsible, but you can't force them to care. And she cared, yes. A lot. But that wasn't enough. It's never enough.

Despite her tears, she laughed. Giving him her best aloof look she said, "I'll be okay." She knew that wasn't true. At least for a while.

An irrational part of her had wanted him to hurt like he'd hurt her. Also, she wished for nothing more than for someone to place their arms around her and whisper in her ear that everything would be fine. She stood there. Her back to him. Waiting. He walked away.

Her grief lay coiled inside her, a sleeping beast, and she was afraid to move or speak in case she woke it. She was numb. Numb and cold and empty. What was left of her was just this. Just an empty shell, a cruel twist of fate.

She has to hang in there and do the time. That's the one thing she knows is going to change. For every sucky day she lives, she won't have to live it again. It's done. She did it. Move on. Maybe the next one won't suck. And if it does, same philosophy. Just, do the time.

She's just gonna have to figure this out as it goes along.

Sweet Sadness

2005-05-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

Its not so bad not knowing there's this sweet sadness to it. Like two friends sitting together, remembering things that never happened to them. Things as they should be. No what if's, no what could have been's.

"How do you remember things that never happened?" she asked.

"You're heart will remind you." he answered.

No expectations, no disappointments, just memories of a life never lived, a great love never shared, and tears never shed.

Outside, the sun continued to shine cheerily, as if nothing remarkable had taken place.

2005-05-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

It was the time of day when the stars and the sun share the same sky. The sun's soft glow still gave the stars the opportunity to shine before the brighter one will take over the horizon. But for now, both of them continued to shine harmoniously together.

Maybe they started out on the wrong foot. She didn't realize until later how accustomed she'd become to his presence. Somewhere along the way of finding him the most exasperating person she'd ever met, he's become a good friend. Their banter, her hostility, and later, their tentative respect for one another, were all the things he cherished. But naturally he'd never tell her that.

She had known all along that they'd been a lie. While she honestly resist him at first, ultimately, she had failed. Failed him, Failed herself.

She wasn't his type back then. He wasn't used to people who were actually together and could do his job better than him.

It doesn't surprise her at all that he's grown into such an incredible person. He's always been that. Actually, it made her happy that she's finally attracted to men who are healthy for her.

Although, it's not fair to just care and care about someone and they don't do anything back. It's not that simple. And sometimes, the people that you love forget to love you back.

People can be attracted to a lot of people, it doesn't matter, you just don't act on it. It's amazing how your feelings for someone comepletely shift in less a day's time.

It was wrong to go after her for the reasons that he did but he can't apologize for that. He was glad that he did. She would hate him for the trick but what he left her was real.

He had been the one constant thing in her pathetic existence. But he scared her. He embodied everything she had run from her whole life. It would have been easy to throw herself in his arms and have him take away her pain, to let him be the strong one. But she'd chosen to close herself off instead.

She didn't owe him any reciprocation for any feelings he may have. She saw his patience. He was good to her. Her mind started to wander. What if there will come a day when he will look at her and smile that gentle slow smile? The one that made her feel like melting into a wet puddle right at his feet. The very same smile that made her feel so safe and secure. She can make it happen. But what she can do and choose to do are completely different.

There are so many things that he wanted to tell her but nothing comes out. Feeling like he was loosing her every second that passes by, he does the only thing he could think of to make her stay.

His words floated weakly in a pillow of air. Those simple words had a rainstorm of emotions running through him.

Was any of this real?
Was she real?
Was she alive in the weak winter moonlight?

Forget the reality of the situation. For two brief seconds, they were free.

He felt like she fit perfectly in his arms, like she was where she was supposed to be. He sighed, because he knew, that somehow, taking the good guy track was going to set him up for heartbreak. They had to end it before they hurt each other more. No use in holding on. For what? So that she'll feel more devasted when he leaves?

He knew he can't stay. And he didn't want to leave.

That night was all they had. He stayed a bit longer.

She woke up between dawn and light. She was alone. But she never really minded the solitude. She was alone for a long time before him. What's the difference this time?

It was difficult to imagine him not being there. But he would be, he was just that way.

If anything, today would be more difficult than yesterday. Today she would watch him carry on as though nothing had happened. She'd be forced to sit there and see him behave as though nothing had changed between them. And she wasn't sure she could handle that.

His face was a mask. There was a hint of sadness reflected in his eyes. The usual twinkle that resides in them is gone. All that is left is pain.

She sat and stared at the wall, waiting, never speaking, never moving. Just waiting.

Tears fell unbidden down his cheeks as he stood there watching from the shadows of forever.

She pondered on the life she has lost

2005-05-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

The place looked exactly as she remembered it. Large, pretentious. But there was that light that drew her. An unexpected warmth inside. She's never seen love before this place.

She paused for a moment and hesitated. Then she walked on.

It was their place; their refuge from the world. It was where they forged their friendship. It was the least bit of him she had left.

As she looked back for what seemed like the thousandth time, she couldn't help but blink back the tears welling up in her eyes.

It was a beautiful night. That night she had found a store of understanding and compassion that was bottomless. That night they were kindred spirits and it made her feel like she didn't constantly cover her own wreckage with a smile. That night gave her hope.

They sat side by side staring over the horizon marveling over the twinkling lights of the city that lay before them. She was wondering about the life going about down below while they were up there with an entirely different life of their own. Rather lives. Not that they shared a life anyway. Then he looked at her. His eyes sparkled in a certain way, but there was something else about him. An untamable wildness that pierced through her. She suddenly realized. Maybe there was something they shared. They had that moment. It was pure. It was innocent. It was sincere. And it was theirs. It was the first time she felt. Ever. Something that was real. She was breathless. For that moment, she was alive.

She shivered lightly. She couldn't tell if it was with the feel of his skin on hers. Then a light breeze grazed her cheek. And she felt his fingers wipe away the wetness from her face. It was raining. And it was freezing. But the warmth of her heart that moment was enough to last her an eternity of rainy days.

She stopped walking and sat on a bench nearby. She is tired. She is sad, and she is tired.

Absence makes the HEART grow weirder

2005-05-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

The wonder that technology has brought upon us. Thousand of miles, yet connecting us as though we were sitting next to each other.

I have neglected for years the connections that I have with people. Then now I decide to re-connect.

Three line text messages with an old friend that had the impact of a three hour conversation.

I am now being reminded that I am not alone. I was never alone. Oblivious as I have been, I have been thought of. I was never forgotten. I've always had my heart.

I may not say it often enough but I am grateful to you. You have wiped away the tears I have kept hidden. You see right through me. And now I am beginning to see me as well.

Thank you!

Arrivederci a domani!

2005-05-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

Free me from these chains
I need to change my way
Heal these broken wings I need to fly far away,
far away, far away
Spinning-Zero7

You need closure. You need to be in a room with this guy again and maybe accept the fact that it's over and you're fine. You need to socialize with him around and let people see that it's okay that he's within proximity. Being with him just the two of you is one thing and being with him in a room full of people is an entirely different situation. Especially when people start asking you, "How are you?" It's hard, but the harder the better. Then you can see how far you can go, how much you can take. Don't do it for them, do it for yourself. Just let go. I know you don't really want him back, so you just have to let him go then. Problem is you keep holding on to hate. It takes too much energy to hold on to hate. You have to make it simple. People make mistakes, horrible mistakes. But you have to learn to live with it, because what's the alternative? Try to get some closure. Try to go and have a good time inspite of the fact that the person whom you hate is there. Once you begin having a good time by yourself, the rest will take care of itself. Then finally, you can really tell yourself, "I'm fine. I've moved on."

È più o meno giusto

2005-05-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, people focus too much on what went wrong that they fail to realize that somewhere along the way, amidst all the failure that has been going on in their lives, one good thing could've occured and they just missed it. Instead of basking in the glory of that one good thing, they wallow in the misery and whine about how things are not how they want them to be or not how they expected them to be.

I should know, I've spent too much energy holding on to my angst that I eventually ended up exactly where I am right now. Solitude and melancholy. Still, wanting to discover my one thing, I sit here, my walls up, waiting for that one thing that I am good for. My one reason for being.

I don't know, it might have not come yet, or maybe, it already has and I missed it. It could've have been sitting in front of my nose for the past 25 years and I am just too dumb or stubborn to notice it. Or maybe, it's not exactly what I wanted or expected it to be that I just refuse to accept it.

So here I am, waiting for that day of enlightenment. Or simply the day of acceptance for the things that are and the things that will always be.

A Cruel Twist of Fate

2005-05-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

The words bounced back and forth in her grievously tortured mind as she flailed wildly to keep from being drowned by her own feelings. She looked down and in her crazed state. She could almost see the broken pieces of her shattered world laying haphazardly all around her feet. Her wounded heart, clumsily patched together by her inexperienced hand, burst painfully open and started bleeding again. She almost gasped as the overwhelming grief crashed down her abused body. Heart racing frantically, she tore her desperate gaze away and stumbled backwards. She forcefully thrust her emotions aside as she looked at her reflection. Her blood and tear streaked face was a mirror of what she was feeling at the moment.

It was never easy for her to care about someone else. To give up control of her life. To risk getting hurt. To compromise and overlook things then put up with someone else's crap. He's got a lot of crap. And she was willing to do it for him.

It lasted for about the right time it was supposed to last. Maybe even longer. Then eventually, either fall in love or don't. Or, worse, get stuck in between.

What they had was long gone. It was just a flickering flame waiting to be extiguished.

The decision of her life has been made. Fading the background, bringing reality into focus. Fate had finally made it's move, and she was there, where she's supposed to be. And somehow it made her sad. It had finally been crossed where it just didn't matter anymore.

She tried to keep her mind on pleasant things. TV... parks... trees... clouds... flowers... butterflies... love... heartbreak... loneliness... depression... She was a fucking mental boomerang.

Her eyes are finally dry. She had no tears left. She cried all hers out. Alcohol had temporarily robbed her of coherence and consciousness. What it didn't do is ease the pain. If anything, it just made it more confusing, more terrifying.. Her face was wan and marked with the traces of her grief.

She has nothing and everything to look forward to at this point. The feeling of uncertainly, ironically, suddenly made things clearer somehow.

And, at the end, she reluctantly dropped her hand and did what she did best. She ran.

Mi ricordo ancora quando.....

2005-05-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

She sat in the corner. The same spot she sits at every wednesday. She would take a book, sometimes, from the sociology section, most of the times from philisophy, and she would just sit there for three hours.

He's been watching her for five wednesdays now. The first time he noticed her, she passed by him and got a book two shelves down from where he was half asleep reading his politics material. The second time, he looked up from the faint scent of something fruity or flowery. Like body wash or shampoo. Then he saw it was her. After that, still the same time and day, she walked by him towards her spot. He wanted to say hi but somehow he couldn't make the words come out of his mouth.

Today she came. Same time. She sat in the corner. The same spot she sits at every wednesday. She got up and headed for the philosophy section. She was five feet away from him. He got up, a book in his hand and stepped in front of her.

"Hey," he smiled.

"Hi," she said.

"Thought you might find this interesting," he said handing her a small leatherbound book.

"Yes. This is interesting," she replied and walked away.

He gazed at her, and after a second, he walked after her.

Avevo dei dolori atroci tutto il mio vita

2005-05-09T11:22:00.000-07:00

Alone with an empty mind,
thoughts can't seem to dawn on me
trying to comprehend
the unfathomable existence of being,
I lay here,
staring blankly at the infinite sky before me.
Then it came...NOTHING!

What's worse?
Non posso farci nulla!

And years come by so fast.
The wind taking me higher.
My soul will soar tonight.

Another bruise,
another cut,
another drop of blood.

Io tatto niente!
Mi piace molto niente tatto!

What if I...

2005-05-08T21:33:00.001-07:00

What if I was good to you,
What if you were good to me?
What if I could hold you
'til I feel you move inside of me?
What if it was paradise,
What if we were symphonies?
What if I gave all my life
to find some way to stand beside you?
Lonely No More-Rob Thomas

Do not ponder too much on the "what if's" and "what could've been's" what is important is the "what is" and the "what will be."

Think about it, we all waste our time whining and depressing over the "one that got away" that we forget to acknowledge the ones that are around and the ones that stay around. Be thankful for the past, live in the present and be ready for the future.

I was determined to run away as far as possible from the one person that means so much to me. I figured it would be easier for him and for me if we didn't see each other as much as we used to. Then we met again, and I decided that I could just go and tell him how I really feel. Go for it. At least I took the risk of letting him know, than just let it pass "wondering what if?" I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, that he might, even for the smallest fraction of a chance, feel the same way about me. I wanted to act like the person that I say I am and just face my fears and go for it. Then, fear took over, so we just sat there and had a nice conversation over coffee and biscottis. Once again, he got away. Then it hit me, he didn't really. I let him get away.

We all waste our time whining and depressing over the "one that got away" that we forget to acknowledge the ones that are around and the ones that stay around. Be thankful for the past, live in the present and be ready for the future

I always thought that he was "the one that got away" that I failed to see that he is actually "the one that's been around" for me for all these years. And he may very well be "the one that'll stay around," in some ways at least.

I've been obsessing about wanting to be with him so badly that i practically sabotaged our friendship. I've been whinning about what he wouldn't give me and what he has taken away from me. What i didn't realize what that the things that he has done/given me are far more valuable than what i'm wanting. You cannot ask for love, it is given to you freely. When you are ready to accept it, you cannot choose the kind of love that is given to you. So i am thankful that i felt loved and I am still loved.

Now I'm beginning to see how much this person cares for me. It is more than enough of what I deserve. I have been selfish and greedy, wanting what i cannot have and wanting it so bad that i hurt the people that really matters.

I am so sorry.

I wondered, what if i was good to you? What if I held on? What if I said the words back? I'll never know now, would I?

Il mio amico,
Mi ricorderò sempre dell'amore che lo avete dato.
Ameró voi fino al giorno muoio.

ERGO SUM

2005-05-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.
-Epictetus-

Learn as much as you can about ALL things and try to decide what you like the best. Make up your own mind about what you believe in and never have to apologize for it. It's part of who you are.

Be passionate...
What's the worst that could happen? On the upside, with this passion comes great spirit and individuality. Be your own person. Claim your reputation.

Be courageous...
Worry not on how society will take it. Fear comes hand in hand with courage. Fear of rejection and the courage to face it alone. The problem with having a reputation is people tend to prejudge you. They see you and say, "No, not for me." Then if and when they decide to get to know you, you suddenly win them over.

Indulge...
Live life and be free.

Life is always changing, sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's beautiful, most of the times it's both. It takes too much energy to focus on the pain and agony life throws your way. There will come a time when you'll just have to let it go. For one moment, just let it all go. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, no fear, no worries, take a leap of faith. There's a good chance that you might crash and burn, but then again, an angel just might catch you and before you know it, you're soaring through the clouds, wind in your face, the world below you passing right before your eyes...

Where

2005-05-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

Someday soon I know we'll come together. Even though our feelings change as seasons do. But, maybe sweet November will tell us the storyThat will bring us back the love...That we both knew..
-Sweet November-

far beyond the horizon
way beyond your sight can reach
go be waiting for time
'til fate brings you back

over the mountains
away from the deep blue sea
a place you haven't searched
there is where

too distant a memory
a precious moment's worth
a whole minute of ecstasy
forever you hold nowhere else

today's all an illusion
believe in the fantasy
reality is waiting
where? search your soul
you'll see where

Light Years Away

2005-05-04T14:58:00.000-07:00

Piace vole!

7 AM, it's too early to go out. It's too early to even be awake, at least for me. What can i do? She's in my room crankin' up the volume on my stereo and going through my magazines. I never minded the noise. I can sleep through it. She always lets me sleep in. She just sits there, doing whatever, waiting for me to get up. I'm sick of it half the time but i don't have a choice, do I? That's what happens to people. I'm always cranky when sleep deprived, but she didn't mind. I guess a little anger is better than being ignored. She needed to be heard and she needed to be noticed. Coffee is the answer to everything. Coffee in the morning and a little Vodka at night. I reluctantly get up. She throws me a shirt and cranks up the volume higher...

Che te ne pare???

2005-05-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

I will write the evangel - poems of comrades and love
-Walt Whitman-

I feel when I write, not the other way around. Today I am void of any emotions, so I write.

A collection of letters to form words.
Words put together to make a phrase.
A phrase that doesn't necessarily have to make sense,
unless connected to another phrase.

Look into it. Process it.

What does it say?

Does it speak to you?

Do you reply?

Or do you even comprehend?

I sure don't...

But it's there...

Fai qualcosa!

Most Like Him

2005-05-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

He smiled at her from across the room. She just looked at him and smiled back. She let her gaze linger a little longer as she marveled on the person she's staring at. A grown man with the heart of a little boy just learning how life works, experiencing everything for the first time. A look of awe as he watches magnificence at work. A trace of sadness in his eyes nevertheless, he tries to conceal it. He wouldn't want her to notice. He would just bring her down. She notices anyway. Like she's always noticed the pain, anger, and regret he's been keeping to himself. And his constant search for answers to the questions everyone's scared to even ask. She doesn't have the answers. She wonders if he's somehow found at least some. But like everyone else, she too, is afraid to ask. Day by day she notices how he is most like him. No one's really paid attention before but now she is. They are the least bit alike in every other way but their similarities are disturbing. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? She tears away her gaze and continues what she was doing.

Something Old

2005-05-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

I remember walking on this street a long time ago, just prancing along the road, enjoying the crisp summer breeze. It was a beautiful day, it was warm but not too hot. I stoped in front of this gorgeous victorian inspired house. Its architecture is just magnificent. Looks like it's more than a hundred years old, well maintained but never been renovated or remodeled.

It's a wonder how some things can last for so long. You start out with something brand new, something made from scratch. And as time consumes it, the slow aging process starts. Years go by and for a while it seems that change has taken over. And in one moment of realization, you discover how different it is from what you originally started with. Then you think back on what could've brought about that alteration. Like the house, never renovated, never remodeled, just tried to maintain it and keep it as it is. Then you look closely, and see, the original is still there. Just a little older. Like an antique, it may be a little dusty or scratched or there may be a chip off it but it is still there...

Like a hundred year old house, il mio amore per te will always be. It will remain standing enduring the test of time while preserving it's purity.

My World is a Fish Tank

2005-05-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

ok, so now i have an online journal...just another way to let people know what's really going on in my twisted psyche....

in a way i kinda feel like a fish in an aquarium...living my life, minding my own business, totally oblivious to the eyes that watch me as i swim back and forth and back and forth in my overly decorated tank...i swim through the plastic plants and settle into my plaster cast palace and just hide there as i watch other life forms, with whom i share the tank with, live their own lives...

anyway...enough with the metaphorical fish tank...

when you have a lot of time on your hands without nothing much to do, your mind tends to wander off into this abstract state and then a train of thought just travels on a track which seems to be leading nowhere...anyway there's this one word that's always kept me going on and on and on....UNIQUE....i'm sure you've at least heard of the saying "each one is unique, each one a different person"...if everyone is unique isn't it ironic how "unique" is defined -Without an equal or equivalent; unparalleled- or -Being the only one of its kind- when in fact we all posess that certain trait which is "uniqueness?" how can one be "the only one of its kind" if everyone else is unique??? i know it's like a question without a definite answer...and that what makes it so disturbing... oh well... that's what life is all about anyway... the philosophy of irony... the neverending quest for enlightenment on the why's of existence...

i gave in

2005-04-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

so, yeah i did. i gave into the call of the world of blogging...let's see how this works out...i'll have to figure out how to do this...so ok...i'll work something out and eventually make it a tolerable site to visit...

until then,
vabene, ciao!